how to buy a condom

The condom has never been a part of my sexual life (which, incidentally, is a miniscule part of my much larger non-sexual life). Not that I’ve anything against it. The fact is that I’ve never been able to persuade myself to muster the courage to actually enter a shop and buy one. Each time I wished to buy a condom, it has seemed to me that the act of entering a medical shop and asking the guy at the counter for one presupposes the following:

1)     I have a sexual organ

2)     I am in the habit of using it for things other than respectable excretory purposes

3)     Even while using it for other purposes I am removing all semblances of respectability by stymieing even its admittedly less honorable reproductive purposes

4)     And finally that I am audacious enough to admit of the possibility of the cryptic organ being used for purely pleasurable purposes.

Surely such personal information cannot be shared with a perfect stranger. So I have contrived to manage without its services, while hypocritically preaching its usage from the pulpit at many forums and seminars on prevention of sexually transmitted diseases. But recently I have been tempted anew by its virtues being extolled by beautiful ladies cavorting on the silver screen, suggesting many pleasurable variations in its use. So I asked a friend of mine about how to go about procuring one of these appurtenances. He told me that he had once tried to purchase one of those things. This is his experience as he narrated it to me:

I parked my car outside this big medical store and walked in as casually as I could. I tripped myself on the stairs and fell flat in front of the store. Hardly an auspicious beginning for my adventure! But gamely I picked myself up, mustered my shattered courage and dignity, and strode to the counter. An old lady with a dour expression who had witnessed my antics on the stairs gave me a deeply disapproving stare. I imagined myself to be a cool gunfighter in the west walking upto the bar of the shanty town he had entered, under the hostile stare of the citizens.

“Yes, sir,” said the salesman, “what do you need?”

I looked him straight in the eye and said in a cool measured tone:

“A rubber.”

“Sir?” he enquired with a puzzled expression.

“A rubber,” I repeated, a trifle louder, “I need a rubber.”

His expression stayed puzzled. Then enlightenment dawned on him in a flash.

“Sir, we do not keep stationary.” He smiled a final smile of dismissal. The fellow had obviously never seen a Hollywood flick.

“No, no, you misunderstand.” I said, forcefully subduing a rising tide of panic, as some of the other customers started getting interested in my case. “I don’t mean an eraser. I mean a rubber- like, you know, latex. Do you get me now?”

The salesman now had  serious doubts about my sanity. Quickly he went over to the proprietor and whispered into his ear. The proprietor walked over to me and said with a confident, friendly smile:

“Now sir, tell me please, what is your requirement?”

“I need a latex.”

Puzzlement clouded over his rotund moon like features, but only for a moment. Then he was radiant with understanding. He reached upto one of the shelves behind him and slapped something down on the counter. Even at first glance I had my doubts. The thing appeared to be much too big. First I was inclined to think that the guy was giving me a compliment. Then I determined to be satisfied with nothing but the truth and the whole truth.

“What size is it?”

“A 7 sir.”

Seemed to me to be much too big. Or maybe he was talking in terms of centimeters in which case it would perhaps be just right.

“Are you sure it will fit?”

He looked at me with what I thought was a rather penetrating glance and said:

“I should say so. But you surely know your own size?”

I confessed that this was my first time.

“Your first operation sir?” The fellow certainly had a sense of humour.

I still had a nagging doubt about the size though and so I decided to check it out.

“Could you open it for me?”

“Yes, but you will have to pay for it. And it won’t be sterile anymore.”

Gosh, these things came with anti-conception coating! I agreed to his conditions. He tore apart the cover and laid out the contents before me. I looked in horror at the contraption that was revealed. There were five condoms joined together to a broad base.

I was indignant. What did he think I was – some sort of a hydra? Or come to think of it, what did he think of my wife?

“How do you think I am going to use that?” I demanded with considerable asperity.

“Well, I guess you just put it on.”

“Oh really! And can you show me how to ‘just’ put it on?” I said with withering sarcasm. I intended to shame the daylights out of this man.

“Yeah sure, I can do that.” He smiled, and right there in front of my horrified eyes, in front of all the customers he put it on. It was then that I realized that it was a surgical glove.

The other customers were now getting thoroughly alarmed and were gazing in wonderment at my antics. Meanwhile I was rapidly turning various shades of crimson like a highly talented though specialized chameleon. But still I determined to stick it out till the bitter end.

“Look,” I said to the man, “I want you to listen to me carefully, think it over in your mind and then give me your considered reply. I need that which comes in various flavors – strawberry, vanilla, pineapple, that sort of thing.”

And he gave me his considered opinion, after which I left the store, having failed miserably in my objective. This was of course what he said:

“The ice-cream shop is at the corner sir!”

So having heard my friend’s adventure straight from the donkey’s mouth as it were, I lost all my determination and decided to do without the damned thing until a better idea for its procurement struck me. Anyone out there, who can tell me how to buy a condom?

The versatile appurtenance


I have always been a great believer. I've flitted from one belief to another, from religion to atheism and from one philosophy to another, until I finally settled on J. Krishnamurti whose philosophy is that there is no philosophy. So now I firmly believe that there is nothing to believe. Now such a belief would, I believe, have been considered dangerous to society if the authorities had believed me to be of any consequence. No man of consequence they believe would waste his time on the pursuit of blogging!

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Posted in humour, Uncategorized
50 comments on “how to buy a condom
  1. Rofl Indian says:

    Thats a most instructive document. A must read for all those who want to make it big in life😀

  2. […] With this rather ostentatious prologue, we come to the all important question – what ARE aphrodisiacs, and is there any scientific basis of their ‘miraculous’ properties? An aphrodisiac is something that inspires lust, induces arousal and exaggerates the pleasures associated with the sexual act. The term aphrodisiac comes from the myth of the Greek goddess of love, Aphrodite, the epitome of sexual desire. Aphrodisiacs have been a part of every culture and most of our current ‘knowledge’ about aphrodisiacs is rooted in myths, folklore, and anecdotal evidence (evidence that is supported by tasty money testimony but not substantiated by clinical research). Why, for many, even the mere mention of the word ‘condom’ brings about an immediate agitation of the sexual senses (read here for a hilarious real life account). […]

  3. ~uh~™ says:

    ROFL narration.
    “What did he think I was – some sort of a hydra? ”
    Thanks to ROFL Indian foe directing to this gem. Subscribed immediately !

  4. Witsnnuts says:

    ROFLMAO …. ha ha😉
    aren’t there any vending machines ??

  5. LOL. I was laughing so hard that I had to send this link to my manager. Great narration.

  6. whatsinaname says:

    hahaha!
    hahahaha!
    hahahahaha!

  7. […] It was an old friend – the same in fact who had had the condom experience I told you about in a previous post. I smiled; maybe this would lead upto another post. “Hi BC,” I said. “Hi MC,” he replied. […]

  8. Sunil says:

    Good narration with humor undercurrent…Solidly awesome🙂

  9. Pawan says:

    Whoa!
    Super cool!
    My first time here and I liked it😀

  10. Hiyaa says:

    This is rollickingly hilarious. A totally entertaining piece of reality! Great stuff!
    I gotta follow your blog.
    Very crisp writing and you did not slack in the flow one bit to the end…Thumbs up!

  11. Nair says:

    Truly, inspiringly funny🙂

  12. theishu says:

    Supermarkets are your best bet. Take this advice from a seasoned pharmacy-embarrassment victim

  13. Terri says:

    Great story Doc you have a great way with words!!

  14. anishthomas says:

    ROFL , good narration man😀😀

  15. shreeny says:

    Hey. First visit here. Super post!! You made my day!🙂

  16. Raksha says:

    This was simply hilarious!! Liked it a lot!

  17. elizabethrinta says:

    WOW!!!!THIS WAS REALLY GREAT!!!!!THIS POST REMINDS ME OF AN INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED WITH ONE OF MY FRIENDS..SHE WAS EXPLAININ THE USE OF A CONDOM TO VILLAGERS AND DEMONSTRATED BY ROLLING IT OVER HER INDEX FINGER.AFTER THE SESSION, A WOMAN ROSE FROM THE AUDIENCE,CAME STRAIGHT TO HER AND IN WHISPERS ASKED.”SISTER,IF HE WEARS IT ON HIS FINGER NEXT TIME,WE WILL NOT HAVE KIDS NA….”HA HA HA…

  18. debosmita says:

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ROFL… This was so so funny😀 I am going to share it wid my other frnds🙂

  19. Sourabh Biswas says:

    Awesomemaxx post this one!! Really cool…
    The first time I went up and bought a condom was just to show off to my buddies that I was man enough to ask for one in front of some other guy in a Medical Shop(though it embarrasses me to say I since then have never done a similar act).

    There was an uncle standing close by, who remarked how pathetically vulgar it was to show couples in those compromising acts on the packet. According to him, the packet should have been coloured simply black.

    Didnt argue with him at that particular time🙂

  20. SS says:

    If a girl can be expected to walk into a pharmacy and buy an ipill, a guy should be able to buy a condom wihout smirking, lurking or beating around the bush!

    Very Humorous post!

    Nice sketches

    • Thanks a lot for your kind words. And yes, you are right that a guy should be able to walk into a store and nonchalantly buy a rubber. However, prudery is difficult to get rid of at my age.

  21. NesQuarX says:

    I’m quite surprised that your friend did not put on the glove as directed and shove the gloved hand right onto the shopkeeper’s nose.

  22. ROFL! Now I know why they had to install so many vending machines! Once just out of curiosity, me and my friends tried buying one from a vending machine at a railway station and here is how we went about it – the “hero” is ready with a Rs 5 coin in front of the machine. Ten other guys surround him from all sides so that neither him nor the machine is visible. He quietly puts in the coin and out comes the packet. He puts it in the pocket and we casually walk away, proud at the achievement when the ‘hero’ opens the packet and shouts in excitement “Hey, in Rs 5, we got 2 pieces!” attracting attention from everyone around!

  23. Saffire says:

    LMAO, gr8 story. I did wonder how the five condoms came out connected, really that could happen. We are ourself ashamed to speak it out. Are u sure the store ur frnd visited kept a condom, for many dont.

    And to suggest you, please use “A latex contraceptive” to a medical man. It does the trick. For me it does, thank god 3 yrs and no bad news.
    🙂

  24. s.H.a.S.h.I says:

    hahahha… i knew it was surgical gloves😛 …
    u shud have just said “DUM MARR GAYA?” and the answer wud have been sumtin u wanna buy😛

  25. Danish says:

    This piece couldn’t get any better! I do follow you on twitter but now I have bookmarked your blog!

  26. nikhil gkn says:

    roflindian tweeted this link..hence my comment…i respect your query in the mould of a well constructed article doctorlarge sahab…i’m about 23 yrs old and yet to have a gf…i may be the wrong person to suggest something…but then…sir how about writing it on a piece of paper and handing it to the shopkeeper?…should be safe enough…avoids embarrassment…for eg: “a packet of moods condoms…regular size, flavour…packet to kaagaz mein lapet ke do”
    i’m sorry sir..but this is all i could come up with..
    n_sqr (one among ur tweeple)

  27. Anisha says:

    Go to a Supermarket You retard….Even I know that and I am a woman….

  28. Saurabh1 says:

    This is a superb naration of those 5 mins of Healthy INCIDENT..🙂

  29. Are there “advanced users” in real life?

  30. Jigar Doshi says:

    Lol! Hilarious post.
    You do have a way with words, doc!🙂

    Donno about way back in 2009, but now, in 2012, not many kids face this kind of embarrassment while buying condoms.🙂

    Doctoratlarge: I’ve seen a teen openly discuss flavors in a medical store.

  31. ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Had a great time reading and laughing at this post.
    It is even funnier to see that even adults are afraid.

  32. S.E says:

    Lmao that was hilarious. I wonder if salesman was deliberarely playing with your mind. Lol

  33. zej96 says:

    HAHAHHA.
    Very funny. *blushing*

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