In recent times smokers of all classes of tobacco – be they cigarettes, cigars, cheroots, pipes, or the very Indian bidi and hookah – have been a persecuted lot. They have been hounded out of cinemas, restaurants, hotels, railway platforms, airport lounges and hell – even parks and bars, until they have begun to feel like the early Christians facing the Roman persecution. The erstwhile health minister even tried to hound them out of the cinemas. While homoerotic couples have been able to come out into the open, smokers have been forced to hide into dark corners of their homes and offices to survive. This post is written in support of these unfortunates.
Smoking is an art (take Dev Anand in ‘Main Zindagi Ka Saath Nibhaata Chala Gaya’ and Clint Eastwood as two outstanding examples) and art is supposed to be complete in and within itself. But smoking is an art that also has certain inbuilt practical advantages. To enumerate a few:
1) A stick in a man’s (or a woman’s) hand looks good – and feels good too.
2) You learn to kiss butts, and as everyone knows, this is a priceless asset to those wishing to make it big in life (this line may evoke various images in grosser minds for which I in no way can be held responsible).
3) You can practice the art of blowing a lot of hot air – another invaluable career enhancing skill.
4) You get wise at an early age (wisdom after all is supposed to tag along with wrinkles on the face).
5) You burn a hole in your pocket (literally if you are not careful), learning to survive with meager resources.
6) With your lovely yellow teeth, you will need to visit your dentist about once a year. You can choose a pretty one and make the visits count.
7) You will be protected against ulcerative colitis – a disease that affects roughly 50 people in every one lakh population. Of course you will be at risk for a host of much more common diseases, but isn’t it a desirable trait to look at the brighter side of things?
8) Nicotine is great for constipation. In fact, if you consider the cost of treatment of all the diseases it causes, you can proudly claim to use the world’s most expensive laxative.
9) Smoking may cause mutations in your sperms, which means you are in with a chance of fathering Superman (or perhaps The Blob, but what the hell, life is about taking chances).
10) However smoking may also cause low sperm counts, but that is an advantage too. Think of the immense amount of money you can save on contraception.
11) In fact if you are really lucky, and smoke assiduously every day, you may be actually unable to get it up at all. That will save you all future troubles with girls and marriage and family and all that stuff that curtail a man’s freedom. You can strut through your life free, unchained and untrammeled.
Some minor advantages include:
1) Your family doctor, brain specialist, heart specialist, lung specialist and kidney specialist will send you greeting cards on New Year, Deepawali, Dusshera, and Christmas. They would after all be owing their African safaris and world tours to you.
2) The more enterprising hospitals will send their public relations officers to you to court your business.
3) After death, you have a good chance to have your charcoal-coated lungs placed in the London Royal Art Gallery as a splendid specimen of modern art in black and white (you have to work really hard for this however – the competition you see, is intense).
So, all you smokers, come out of the closet of your guilt, and light up to your heart’s content. Enjoy your life – there is too little left of it to fritter away in useless worries.