It’s an undisputed fact that Arvind Kejriwal is the greatest soul to have ever set foot on a grateful earth. An eminent member of His party called Him greater than Mahatma Gandhi. Many of His ardent fans have called Him the last messiah – the eagerly anticipated 10th and last avatar of Lord Vishnu, who will set everything right in this sinful world by single-handedly destroying the hideous demon of corruption with His flaming broom of self-righteousness. Now Justice Markandeya Katju has said that 90% of Indians are intellectually challenged. He being a secular intellectual, his statement has to be accepted as the gospel truth. And democracy being rule of the majority, we have to accept everything that intellectually challenged folks believe. Hence, we cannot question the fact of Shri Arvind Kejriwal’s godhead. We accept Him as the supreme being not only on earth, but in the entire universe
(BTW, where is Lord Katju these days? He seems to have disappeared as completely as a cucumber that has the misfortune to get into Sherlyn Chopra’s hands)
Wonderful and perfect though Kejriwal is, He sometimes tends to forget that His followers (affectionately called AAPtards) are not as perfect as Himself. They’re mostly ordinary, simple minded folks, who cannot sometimes fathom the subtleties of wisdom that their great leader speaks. For instance, when Kejriwal pronounced that all businessmen are corrupt and the root of all evil in the country, these endearing simpletons believed that He was espousing socialism; that soon the great leader will lead them in a great social revolution, where they will be able to gleefully massacre all rich and corrupt people and become rich and corrupt themselves. So when recently Kejriwal proclaimed that He’s not against businessmen, his devotees were stunned, and had to declare on various social media platforms that from henceforth they were all capitalists.
Another such incidence occurred yesterday which will help to drive home my point.
A certain AAP fan, whom we shall simply refer to as AA (Aam Aadmi), went to a departmental store in his locality in Delhi. He picked up all the things which an aam aadmi needs – shaving cream & blade, deo spray, biscuits, chocolates, veggies, fruits and such stuff. At the last moment, he recalled that his wife had specifically asked him to get cooking oil. For a moment his heart froze with terror and beads of sweat erupted on his forehead – like all aam aadmis, our AA too was terrified of his wife’s wrath. He mumbled a small prayer of gratitude to God Kejriwal for having had such a narrow escape, picked up the oil, and strode to the exit with all his goodies. There he was accosted by the guard, and the following conversation took place.
Guard: “Sir, may I see your bill of purchase?”
G – “Sir, your bill”
AA – “I don’t have a bill”
G – “But sir, I need to see your bill”
AA – “Who says so?”
G – “Sir, the manager of this store says so”
AA – “Take me to your manager”
Whereupon, the guard took AA to the manager. He informed the manager of the problem, and then the following conversation took place:
Manager – “Sir, the guard does need to see your bill”
AA – “What bill?”
Manager – “Sir, the bill of purchase. Which shows that you have paid for all the items that you’ve bought”
AA – “How can I show that? I haven’t paid for the items”
Manager – “In that case sir, you cannot take these items out of the store. You have to pay for what you buy”
AA – “Who says so?”
Manager (confused) – “That’s the usual custom, sir”
AA – “Custom, eh? Well, customs have changed. Lord Arvind Kejriwal has appeared on earth, and He has decreed that all customs will change now. New laws will be written, people will now have all the power – in fact, Shri Kejriwal is going to write an entirely new Constitution which will give the aam aadmi every right without any responsibilities. And yesterday, Arvind ji has declared that He believes in free markets. So now, I also believe in free markets”
Manager (more confused than ever) – “Sir?”
AA – “Don’t you understand? Not only will the aam aadmi have free water and electricity, but the markets will all be free. You understand? FREE. Which means, I can have anything in this supermarket for free”
At this point, the manager decided to call the police. But if he thought that our brave AA would be scared of the police, he was grossly mistaken. AA made a call on his Nokia Asha mobile, and pretty soon a large no. of AAP partymen appeared on the scene. They were headed by the former Law Minister of Delhi, the great Somenut Bharti, who never let such minor hindrances as the law get in his way when he decided to help the common man. Ever since a popular fairness cream – which promised to convert a crow to a swan in 3 weeks – had failed to produce even an iota of reduction in the darkness of his skin, Somenut Bharti had begun to hate all big businesses and corporates. So as soon as he had heard AA’s story from the donkey’s…err..horse’s own mouth, this modern Robin Hood turned to his followers and ordered them to ransack the departmental store. The corrupt police of course failed to arrive in time, as this departmental store had failed to pay its last two installments of ‘hafta’ in their due time. So by the time they arrived, they only found the bewildered manager and his stunned coworkers standing in the store which had been swept empty by the broom of the people’s revolution.
So my request to Shri Kejriwal is to please specify exactly what He means when He says something. Though, I do admit that the subtleties of His wisdom are so subtle that often it is difficult to convey the exact meaning of His words to humble mortals – especially mortals so intellectually challenged as our innocent AAPtards. Maybe it would help if He tells his followers that when He says something, His followers are to understand that He actually means exactly the opposite. Also it would help if Lord Kejriwal were to tell His followers the exact dictionary meaning of the words He uses. For instance, the other day He said that He hates crony capitalists, and His sweet, innocent, simple-minded followers beat up their own cronies who are so used to outraging on social media using all caps